Messy Life

I hate grief. It's messy and uncontrolled and hits when you when you least expect it.

My cousin,  who was a brother to me, died almost 2 years ago. He died the day before my birthday to be exact. And I'm sure he did it as a courtesy, because I told him at his hospital bedside "You will make it through this, because if you die on my birthday I will kill you." (in love, but you get the idea.)

So it has been almost 2 years, and unlike the rest of the family I don't post "I miss you's" on his still-existent-facebook page, I don't call his still-functioning-cellphone just to hear his voice forever saved in his voicemail. He is gone, he can't be reached. He will not return those calls (not that he did before, the man was the master of text conversations. haha.), nor will he be responding to any of our comments.  Why flay your emotions? Why chase a memory that only tears you up? In general, I focus on the sunny parts of his life: I remember someone who wasn't too cool to play Barbies and/or ninja turtles with a tag-along-little-girl. Someone who threatened all males in the vicinity of his teenaged, female cousin. A guy who could be a real pain in the arse in a debate. A man who loved his wife and his kids with his whole heart.  In the daily-ness of life, it's easy to forget you still miss them, still hurt for their presence.

And then today happens. And a friend comes over seeking reading stuffs to borrow and you find the memorial pamphlet stashed between the covers of a book. And the unexpectedness of their face staring up at you leaves you gasping. And for whatever reason (it's late and you're tired, your guard was down, your just more emotional, who knows?) you can't forget that their gone. Absolutely, without a doubt. Gone. Yep, it hurt. Enough to bring on the ugly, messy grief. The kind I hate.

But it passes. All my babies are sleeping. And I played duck-duck-goose with them today while the sun sank into pink clouds. Now how could mourning stay with us when we have giant, cotton-candy pink clouds in the sky? Little hands to hold, a husband I couldn't do without and a God who whispers soft comfort to our hearts? Love deeply~Genna