Broken Pieces & Beauty

  Beautiful mess. Gut twisting, hugely rewarding, broken and lovely: this life.

I carry him, my eyes fastened on the door: escape. I carry him, screaming. I carry him, writhing.  I carry him in a fit that stretches beyond reason. I carry this child and his small brother, past the whispering onlookers. Past the one person in that entire store who possibly understands exactly what we're dealing with here. I just can't meet his eyes. That other parent, at least, isn't tittering on about poor behavior and bad parenting.  "Hi." Thank God for one empathizing soul.

 Three littles pattern their steps behind mine, while their daddy pays the bill in the check out line.  No tears. Someone should hold their head up and claim this boy. Someone should pray through the embarrassment and remember that although he seems a flailing ball of leg braces, clenched teeth and determination for self-injury, he is also a phenomenally gifted masterpiece. Made with a purpose; deliberately and lovingly shaped, this child is no more "handicapped" than any of those who walk, limp free, in my wake.

  "Handicapped," "Special Needs," "Cerebral Palsy," "Epilepsy."  Blue eyes, white skin, innumerable nose hairs." Labels to describe physical conditions. Physical conditions mean precisely squat. Compassion, bravery, integrity, wisdom, graciousness, playful mischievousness, humility, most would concur, are the true labels of decent humanity. As a human I beg you, smile sincerely and look each other in the eyes...especially when someone's child seems at their most inhuman.

  I am not brave, nor particularly brilliant. I cling to peace and a smooth path. God has seen fit to plop 5 willful, loud, crafty little charmers smack-dab into my part of His Story. What a wonderfully ornery prank.  What a beautifully elaborate gift. :) 

Dandelion Kisses

 Oregon's on again-off again rain romance has begun, indicating two things: 1) Willamette Valley weather manning should be no one's dream job, 2) Spring (despite the groundhog's prediction) arrived early. A wild beast of a season, overflowing with hormonal flora and punctuated at every moment by the tender symphonies of a thousand sneezes, Spring brings with it a bittersweet ache.

   Among the various plants and wee animal babes appearing on scene, the wee warrior Dandelion too,  rears his head.  He looks 'round ways a bit, promptly bursts into seed and thereby covers your lawn with all his many spawn within a week's time. Who knew such a small, sunny flower could prove so very tenacious? I love Dandelions. I love that they stink to high heaven, undergo numerous changes and resist your EVERY effort to permanently destroy them.  I love that, though a weed to most, herbalists know them for their healing properties and kindness to the human body. I love that they begin their days as the most likely flower in a child's bouquet and end it as a wish blown by that same child's breath. 

   Most, I love that God wrote the story of His son in the life of one tiny weed. For many, He stank to high heaven; to all he offered healing and kindness. To the child, he had a special regard; held as tightly in their little hearts as Dandelions in a chubby fist. Dandelion kisses are the name given those little, flying seeds blown from their cottoned tops. Kisses from heaven, kisses from Papa and his Son. 

Happy Spring. :)

A fall reminder for my fam.

To my family,

I know, October is coming. I get it, this time of year will forever make us think of him more often and remember that he's not here. But it's almost my birthday and he gave me a gift when he left a day beforehand; so that while we were sorry to see him go, I will not forever face the memory of a day marred with more wondering and heart stopping moments of hope and fear.

He gave me the ability to remember him in future and still celebrate. Chris never bought me a birthday gift, or sent me a card (though I did get a text one year!) But in leaving on the 19th instead of a day or more later, he gave me the ability to remind our family that there is more than mourning to this beginning of fall. There is hope.

The birth of any child reminds us of the freshness and brightness of life. I am not amazing. I'm not saying "Woohoo!! The awesomeness that is me can be celebrated soon!" I'm saying, while we may mourn death on the 19th, we remember and rejoice in life on the 20th. Love to you all and don't worry, my lovely family, be happy:)

Laughed until I peed a little...just a little.

We masqueraded as a put-together-family the other day on our bi-annual adventure to Emanuel hospital. Just me and 4 tiny humans (well, technically 5 tiny humans, but I gotta say the bebe isn't making it's presence known much on our outings...other than mama's need to find a potty more often. ah, pregnancy!) They were wonderful little travelers~ smiled at the world, stayed together, held hands when crossing the parking lot, opened doors. It was amazing!! (don't hate me, just wait til the end of this post.)

(little angels!)

 I want a secret camera for these trips out. People stop and say such creative things:

1) "You have your hands full!"
2)"You're brave!" (that's not what their eyes are saying...those eyes say "you're insane!")
3)"You must be so busy!"
4)"Enjoy them while they're little!"

Yep, I hear some truly original and thought provoking comments while pounding the pavement, clan in tow.  Someone wonderful will one day gift our family with a t-shirt response to each of these. Something along the lines of:

1) Better overly full than utterly empty.
2) No, we're not brave...we're crazy.
3) Yes, we're busy....in both the ways you're referring to.  
4) "I have no response to that."   (all you Joe vs the volcano fans will know where this comes from.)

On a happier note, these folk also say wild things such as "You must be so organized!"  First time we heard that one, I laughed until I peed a little...just a little.  ~~ We get this not only from elderly grandmothers with indulgent smiles, but also from young mothers who shoot bewildered glances at my brood before chasing after their own one or two. It's to the these latter women I really wish to set the record straight.

I. AM. NOT. AN. ORGANIZED. PERSON. 

Some skills I learned (by need for pure survival more often than not.) Don't short change yourself by ending your sentences with "and we only have TWO!"  We have 4.5 and it's hard. When we had 3 it was hard. Two was hard. One was hard. It's just hard any which way you look at this whole parenting thing...unless you hire a nanny (in which case I really don't want to talk to you cuz that's just plain unfair!)

**Back to our Portland adventure. Right after meeting all these fabulous folk who think we are brave/crazy/busy/full handed/obviously not enjoying our urchins enough and insanely well organized, I loaded all of my smiling children with their mostly healthy snacks back into the van for our hour-plus ride home. Five seconds after the buckles were buckled, chocolate pudding stains magically appeared on the only white shirt in the lot, someone had to pee RIGHT NOW!! someone else swore they were feeling carsick, and a rousing game of he/she is in my space bubble began.   This is not my favorite game. Said another way~ worst. game. ever. EVER.

  Parenting is a rough road. Worth it? Well, it has to be. You wouldn't wipe just ANYONE'S bum at 2 in the wee hours! Truck on mamas and papas. Eventually (so I've been told) they say thank you for wiping my bum, making me eat green beans when I wanted tootsie rolls and not duct taping me to the wall when I made demands worthy of a hostage situation.   :)

Beta Plots

Let us begin by saying: fish are annoying.

I don't mean swim-in-the-ocean-fish, I mean live-in-a-tank-fish. And the fish-lovers say, "But they have soothing effects on the mind, caring for a tank is a great form of therapy,"  yada-yada-yada. That, I'm convinced, is a complete bunch of mularky.

Need to sooth your mind?...take a nap. A nap sounds like a much better, mind-regenerating option. If you're watching a tank, how can you NOT think about the next time you'd have to stick you hand in there with all those slimy critters to clean their home? In that kind of small, enclosed space, chances are one of those things is going to slime the hand that feeds/cleans them. *shudder*  

Now, all this just to say, my six year old is buying a fish. Not just any fish. He's buying a Beta fish.~~Creepy little Japanese water-dwellers, that masquerade as pretty, therapeutic pets. These things have the Napoleon gene. They watch with their protuberant, little, black eyes from their miniscule tanks as you go about your daily tasks . They're plotting. Plotting what? Well, who knows? They're fish. Plans to escape won't go far and plans for world domination seem beyond the capability of something whose brain is smaller that the freckle on my left arm. But plotting they are I tell you...

And still I said yes to the fish. It must be love...or insanity. Maybe a combination of both....or it might be part of the Beta's world domination plan.........

Housing a Dream

Disclaimer: I'm not being particularly insightful or interesting today. I am noting things for Our House. You know, that one that we'll build "someday."   There will be a few pics, there will be bullet pts and for some of you, it will be utterly boring. I'm not offended, go on ahead and close the page. :) You can come see our house later (when/if we ever get around to building it....)

KEY INGREDIENTS:
*space for all in our growing clan
* land
* can't be too large for a normal, non-OCD person to clean.

CLAN SPACE:
 * 5-6 bedrooms?  That means 4-5 for mine urchins (who will soon number 5 but, I'm sure, that number will eventually climb higher) and 1 for the man and I (also, I'd REALLY like a walk in closet!). Here are a few super cool bunk ideas I've seen...

Think Boy Rm, Girl Rm.~ granted all mine urchins are little so I've no idea what to do about older kids:)

*Don't really care how LARGE a kitchen we have as long as it's not a pigeon hole and can fit all of the following:     those double stacked oven things

(aren't they GLORIOUS!!?)

A glass range top~ because I have one now and it's SO easy to clean I just don't want to go back to anything else! (note: there will be NO microwave in this house!!)

An island~ because what self-titled lover-of-cooking doesn't want an island?? And I don't like using cutting boards, so have to make the counters out of whatever that stuff is you can chop on.

A walk-in pantry

 did someone just sing the halleluiah chorus?

A DISHWASHER (we've never had a working one, been hand washing dishes since we were married...that's 7 years people. Seven of  'em.)

A decent sized fridge

A double sinked...sink :) with a spray nozel thing on the side.

Also, it should be open. Open spaces are beautiful. The kitchen tends to be the heart of a house & seeing as I spend a goodly chunk of time there, I say that's how it should be. *sticks out tongue*


* Bathrooms. I'm guessing 2.5 would be nice. (We have one right now so even 1.5 seems like an all out luxury!)  A master bath. Half bath near the main entrance for guests and a full for all the rugrats. 

*Dining Rm: large enough to house a 16ish seater table.

*School/Play Room: Place where all things indoor schooly can happen as well as "organized" toy stashing. It needs book shelves, chairs/desk space for kids to write, toy cupboards, colorful walls, LOTS of natural light (maybe skylights?),  it needs to be a place a kid would still want to go play in on a rainy day. It needs fort building potential and room to spin in circles, we'd do a wall w/ chalkboard paint so they could color on the wall and it needs a reading nook area w/ large pillows.

*Land~ I'd love and acre or two to work with (up to 5 would be great!). Space to have a couple goats, a decent garden and a dog. Space to build a shop(for matt's mechanical skills) w/ an apartment on top (for guests etc.)


*It needs the obvious: a living room, maybe a garage. A front door, a rear door. :) I'd love a smallish library room full of ceiling to floor bookshelves. Yeah, that would be nice...

Dream Large.

RIP little bird who dive-bombed my window...

Haven't blogified in awhile. Now, I might offer an  explanation on the wherefore, por que' and what not but honestly, that would take up a lot more brain power than is currently available. Let's just suffice it to say life done happened:) 

I currently sit in (almost) blessed silence. "Almost" because, while my for-the-moment-darling three year old is contentedly snuggled under her fluffy, pink blankie...her just-shy-of-two year old brother is heartily bewailing the unjustness of this world and bed time in general.  The elder two of mine brood are off on Awana adventures for the night. The man is acting the part of moment freezer & has carted the camera along for le trip.

This time should really be used more productively. I could be mixing lotions, whipping up some shaving cream or other such organic goodness. Instead, I'm left pondering why a little, brown bird the size of a small matchbox car would chose my less-than-spotless window to thwack into (and scar the pants off a poor, innocent woman, typing on her computer)....at least I assume it was a bird. Honestly, my vision's less than stellar and the brown lump laying in my front flower garden could well have been a dazed leaf. ~Eyes relayed message to brain. Brain passed it along to the Internal Curiosity Department, which in turn replied, "further inspection above our pay grade." And thus ended the matter of the Smallish Brown Lump Discovered In Front Flower Bed. 

A clock, conveniently situated in the lower, right hand corner of this here screen informs me that the time is two minutes til eight. While this may mean nothing to you, to those with small people in Awana it means there are 30 minutes before the troops return to home base and a listening ear must be handily available to collect all the night's minuetest details. In other words, SOMETHING productive must be accomplished within the next slot of time that would otherwise be un...accomplishable otherwise:)  And thus adieu, adieu and RIP little brown bird (or leaf.)

Tired Mamas Make Strange Blog posts~ Genna